Caring is not the same as pining. I care deeply and fiercely at times, but I know exactly what I don't want even if I have yet to figure out what it is that I do. I have way too much self-respect to ever wait for anyone I am not important to or anyone who I don't see a point in being with despite the most intense of physical attractions. I just don't wait around for miracles to happen.

There comes a point when you recognize and accept the role a person has in your life, or you leave them alone entirely. There are people you keep in your life because they serve a purpose, and you to them. That is B to me. I've stopped beating myself up over the fact that he means something to me and I've simply accepted it. And it feels much better now. The tornado of our relationship is long over, but we crash into each other when we need safe places to land. Since the day we met I was first place, top banana, everything to him. But he loves blindly, and I walked away precisely because I am not looking for this sort of thing where I am adored because I take care, even if he doesn't recognize that's where his adoration comes from. I'm too good at caring for others, I lose me - I can pour everything I have into someone before I realize what I've done to ME, and that's where I let him fuck up my life for a while because I forgot to be selfish. But I recognize it now and recognized it quickly and that is why -I- left B very shortly after becoming involved with him.

"Looking" for a partner is something I have never chosen to do because I feel that life is best lived as a whole person, not someone who searches for the Other Half. I've had plenty of Other Halves and I have hurt and been hurt. Life is a series of beginnings, ends and in-betweens. We had our beginning and our end in short order, but he remains an in-between person and I accept his role in my life as it is now, not-simple and all. Do I want to be loved? Yes, of course. And I am and I have been, despite what might fly out of my mouth to the contrary in my angry moments. Do I love B? No, I don't. He told me a hundred times that he did, hoping I would say it back. And I didn't because I don't and I don't throw that shit around. But that's not going to stop me from wanting what's best for him, wanting to protect him sometimes, and on a wine-induced whim, allowing him into my bed to put his lips on mine and tell me no one compares to me. When I tell him he's hard to forget, its very true.

That doesn't mean I want him back though, because if I did he'd be here right now. We both know the rules now of this silly game we play, and I think it's drawing slowly to a close - perhaps we'll get to the point where neither of us need to care anymore, and perhaps not.

I'm a big girl and I look out for me.